Yes...I Said Hate

hate
hāt/
verb
  1. 1.
    feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone, something).
    "the boys hate each other"
    synonyms:loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor, execrate;

    Yes, I know that hate is not an acceptable word especially in the Christian community but I hate cancer.  I hate the feelings it generates both with the patient and those around them.  Being involved with the American Cancer Society and Relay for Life I have learned a new term "caregiver".  A caregiver is anyone who helped to take care of someone with cancer.  It is usually a family member or close friend but today I am looking at the caregiver in terms of a spouse - me.  

    In my role of helping to take care of Joe over the past years and now with his third go round with this enemy cancer - in my mind, heart and soul - I am his wife.  In sickness and in health.  In good times and in bad.  I really don't like that whole caregiver concept because I am not doing anything special or above and beyond.  I am being my husband's wife.  I am doing what I promised him in our vows.  It is in that role of wife that I hate.  I hate everything that cancer has done to our world. 

    I hate having the threat of getting cancer AGAIN hang over us like a blanket - a wet, weighted down, wool blanket.  I hate the words I hear from my husband in the dark of night about being tired.  About how much more he can take.  About how much more his body can stand.  I hate all the tests, probing, prodding, scans and right now a little bit of torture he must go through. I hate that he feels to need to apologize for having cancer and saying "you didn't ask for any of this".  I hate the fear that some day this disease might win.  I especially hate that.

    There is no answer.  There are no magic words.  We will continue to do what we do and go on.  We will live our lives and be a family.  There might even be some moments that we can forget what we have gone through.  I feel so selfish and whiny complaining about "me" in this fight because NOTHING I feel or felt can compare to what my husband feels.  

    I know I should say something now to bring this all together and end it on an upbeat note.  I know I should say something about having the strength to go on.  I know I need to say that God is and has always been here.  I know I know I know.  All of that is true.  Life is good - it could be a million times worse.  We could be not planning another party - Joe 3 - Cancer 0!  So yeah - take that cancer.  You have chosen a prize fighter again - and again - you will go down!

Comments

  1. SAHMmySeptember 9, 2013 at 9:29 AM

    Don't get mad at me, but you guys are really doing a good job modeling Faith. You are a real inspiration to the people within your sphere. You are well within your right to HATE a disease, no need to apologize for hating it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kathy KerestySeptember 9, 2013 at 9:49 AM

      Thank you! I would never get mad at someone's comments and you are right - without faith in "something" I don't know how people survive.

      Delete
  2. SAHMmySeptember 9, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    This is Terri Castles btw.....some people don't like to be held up as modeling good behavior. I'm just so amazed at you and Joe and the kids. Didn't want to gush too much;)

    ReplyDelete

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