This is How I Feel

I have had such an  extreme outpouring of love and support in the three months since Joe died that I could never thank you enough.  I love it when you talk about Joe.  I need to know that you miss him too.  He was a very "large" presence and his loss is even bigger.  I am a Christian and I do believe in Heaven and I know that Joe is in a much better place and that he is free from all pain and disease.  I also know that I will see him again and this faith keeps me going forward.

I've had many people say to me "I can't imagine how you feel".  No, you can't, but I will try to describe it using words which are just words - not feelings - so it's still no where close to the real emotion.

• I feel that I can never fully catch my breath. 
• I am always anticipating, waiting, anxious.
• My heart feel like it's beating a thousand beats a minute.
• My heart aches - physically aches.  It's not a pain but more like a very bad bruise.  It rarely stops.
• My stomach is full of butterflies with one always trying to get out and that makes me neauseous.
• I never want to go to sleep because I know it's one more night without you beside me, so I am always tired.
• I never want to wake up because I know it's one more day without you beside me, so I am always tired.
• I feel alone especially when I am surrounded by people.
• I struggle to make a decision, even a simple one.  Sometimes it takes me days to decide on something that used to take minutes.
• I am always one tear drop away from a emotional breakdown.  Many times I let that tear go and do breakdown and cry, a lot, with great painful sobbing.
• Every thing, every place, every sound reminds me of you.  Yes, every one, especially the ones we shared and the new ones we didn't share, make me miss you being there.
• I physically ache for your touch.  I miss your physical being.
• I miss seeing you sitting across from me.
• I miss feeling you sitting next to me.
• I miss your voice.  That might be one of the hardest.

For all of the people who offer helpful advice like: get over it; you can choose to be happy; you need to get out; you need to move on; take a pill, you'll feel better; and I went through a horrible divorce, I know just how you feel.  Here is my answers to you:

• If I could "get over it" don't you think I would?  Do you think I like and enjoy all those feelings listed above?  
• If I could choose to be happy, believe me I would.  Yes, I can choose to get up each day, take a shower, get dressed, leave the house, be busy and I might be smiling or even laughing on the outside (because my mother raised me to be polite), but, I still feel crushed inside.
• I do get out.  I've started teaching some art classes to elementary children and I am loving and enjoying it.  I shop.  I enjoy our family.  I get out.
• Each and every day I get up, I move on.
• I don't WANT to take a pill, I WANT to feel like I do.  I have a friend whose husband died several years ago and her doctor gave her pills to take to "get through" the funeral.  Yes, she didn't cry, was the gracious host, but she remembers nothing about the funeral and her friends who were there.  I want to experience these feelings so I CAN move on.  It is nature to grieve a loss.
• Divorce is a horrible, painful thing.  It leaves many people sad and bitter and full of hate.  But as much as you might hate that person, or feel sorry for them or wish them ill - they are still here.  You can still call them and scream at them.  You can still see them when you share custody of your children.  You can still call them, as much as you don't want to, and ask where he always hid the key to the garage door.  They still exist in the physical.

I know that I will never be the same.  I know that each and every day it does get easier.  (On a scale of 1 - 10 on the getting easier scale, it's about .00000000000000000000001 bit easier.  Some days the scale goes the opposite direction.)  I know that I will survive in this new chapter of my life.  I know too that Joe would not want me to do anything but go on and be happy and remember all the awesomeness of our life together, and I do.