My Rambling Thoughts

As we are finishing up preparations for tomorrow's surgery I couldn't help but remember 6 years ago when Joe was preparing to leave the hospital after a 21 day stay.  Most of those days we were not sure he would ever leave.  It was not a good time but in the end the chemo did it's work and killed all of those cancer cells.  Well, at least for 6 years.  Fast forward - the family flu turned out to be anything but that and came out of nowhere and totally blindsided us.  Back then, as now, I try to communicate with family and friends so that they know what is going on with Joe.  Those 21 days in 2007 I emailed daily - sometimes more than once a day.  Those emails were a release of my fears, my thoughts, my unspoken words. I know that we could not have gotten through this experience in 2006 - 2007 nor this time since August without our friends and family.  You have been there for us with prayers, love, meals, visits, cards, flowers, taxi service, hug...

Chemo on Monday was a hard day - for me.  The room was packed with people who could not get treatment on Thursday and Friday due to the holidays.  Many of the caregivers sat around tables doing puzzles, chatting, reading.  I was fortunate to have a chair to sit beside Joe but all 50 recliners were filled with people receiving treatment.  Most of the time the atmosphere is quiet some chatting with your neighbors about what disease you have and where are you in your treatment but almost always it's a subdued time.  Not on Monday.  Monday with so many people in the room the noise was sometimes at a party level.  Monday I paid way too much attention to patients as they came in and settled down.  For some reason we could hear everyone talking about their holiday's and how they didn't throw up and only had to take a couple of naps.  My ears were trying to reject these conversations - I don't like to know that part of this demon.  One couple at...

Yes, I do realize that it is not Thanksgiving but I don't believe in setting aside just one day to appreciate my blessed life.  In light of Joe having surgery today - this thankful list is based on my mind as it is today.  This list is not in any order. I am thankful for: 1.   2.  Julie having the flu in August. 3.   4.   5.   6.   7.   8.     9.   10.  

As we sit here trying to not be afraid of tomorrow's first day of Joe's chemotherapy for Stage II Lung Cancer I find myself thinking back to the first time 6 years ago when the diagnosis was Stage IV Cancer of the Throat and Neck and two people scared to breathe and totally unprepared. This is a portion of my blog from that day: Let The Games Begin   We show up at Ironwood Cancer Center on Tuesday, August 22, 2006 looking like we were planning on moving in.  Joe brought his laptop, I had a bag with crosswords puzzles, books, DVD player with movies and an iPod.  The room where the treatment was administered is a very large glass walled room with around 40 recliner chairs.  Joe got weighed in at around 190 pounds, blood pressure taken and was very good.  We picked two chairs on the far side of the room against the windows and sat down to begin our day of chemo.  His nurse for the day, Cindy, inserted the IV into the portacath with some saline and Joe...

I hear the ER doctor say the words "metastasized mass" and something  I never wanted to hear again is spoken. I stand outside room 487 and pause for a few seconds as I see the layout of a room that I never wanted to set foot in again. I walk down a long long hallway with my feet feeling like magnets stuck to metal to a place I never wanted to walk to again. My heart breaks for my husband as he prepares to endure pain that no one should ever have to feel. I am reminded of the year markers that we waited to pass so the we were "disease free".  One year, two years, three years (that's the special one that most throat cancers come back by), four years, five years.  Five years that's the biggie - that's CANCER FREE.  How wonderful it felt to reach that mark and begin our now cancer free walk into the sixth year.  Now we sit here today and wait until 2:15 when the doctor will tell us words that we don't want to hear - but already know. We sit in an...

"Where death angels never call.  Where no tears will never fall.  That's the place my soul is longing for".   Yesterday our friends and family said good bye to  a true saint of God.  What started out to be a celebration of Mary Joe Zenor's life turned out to be that and so much more.  It is no secret to anyone who reads my blogs that 3 years ago our family went through one of the hardest things we've ever done when we left the church we had attended for over ten years.  We want through the phases....hurt....anger..... sadness......loss.....more hurt.  We have gotten through it and moved on-for the most part. Memories.  Memories can be wonderful things but they can also be very painful  especially when you are forced to come face to face or rather head to heart with feelings you've pushed down. Yesterday I watched the anguish and sadness on Kaitlin's face when we entered into our old church with our best friends the Eckerts and...

Did you know: Depressive disorders affect approximately 18.8 million American adults or about 9.5% of the U.S. population age 18 and older in a given year. This includes major depressive disorder, dysthymic disorder, and bipolar disorder. Everyone, will at some time in their life be affected by depression -- their own or someone else's. Pre-schoolers are the fastest-growing market for antidepressants. At least four percent of preschoolers -- over a million -- are clinically depressed. The rate of increase of depression among children is an astounding 23% 15% of the population of most developed countries suffers severe depression. 30% of women are depressed. Men's figures were previously thought to be half that of women, but new estimates are higher 54% of people believe depression is a personal weakness. 41% of depressed women are too embarrassed to seek help.  80% of depressed pe...