My Rambling Thoughts

TOAST:  A ritual in which a drink is taken as an expression of honor or goodwill . Twenty-One years ago today my world changed in a way that I never thought it could.  I was handed this beautiful living creature with a "there ya go" from the nurse.  All of a sudden I was responsible for the feeding, care and education of this tiny life that was totally unable to take care of itself.  How in the world would I ever be able to do this?  I can't even keep a house plant alive more than a week.  What did I get myself into?  We learned together how to do this living thing.  I did the very best that I knew how along with her father to make sure we didn't totally screw up this huge responsibility and you know what - we did a pretty good job.   I think I learned more than I taught and I definitely grew as a person from the lessons we learned together.  On this, her 21st birthday I want to lift my virtual glass to my first born in her honor for the lessons I learned. I

This chapter in the Story of Cancer for Joe Keresty is no doubt the hardest to write. Not because of the end - but because, if I were honest, I knew it was coming for several months but I refused to accept it. After Joe had the severe reactions to the Cisplatin part of his chemo cocktail as far back as April the changes were there. He was a little more tired. He was loosing a pound here and there. He wasn't eating. He coughed - a lot. He was much more out of breath. The cancer was winning but we chose to see this all as side affects from the chemotherapy. AND - they very could have been but as they say "hindsight is 20/20. Joe very rarely let anyone see him down or hear him say how tired he was. He never complained. He did wait until we were alone at night in the quietness and privacy of our bedroom. The he would tell me how tired he was. How his chest hurt so badly when he coughed. How he was ready for this to be over and done with. But he still never co

I've heard it said that death gets easier the older you get but I don't think that is necessarily true.  This week as we lost our precious kitty, Halima, I was forced to feel that total feeling of helplessness and loss.  I realize that she was "just a cat" but she was much more than that to us.  She heard our whispered secrets and never told a soul.  She felt our tears on her fur when we cried over our hurts and losses and didn't judge us.  She snuggled up next to us in bed because she knew she was loved and safe.  She would pull ponytail bands out of our hair because she loved to play with them.  She was part of our family and we loved her.  She always had to pull our arms down to check our drinking glasses to make sure we weren't drinking ice water.  She loved ice water and would ask for it several times a day and would help herself to yours if you left your glass unattended. The hardest part of loosing her was having to watch her human, Julie,  stru

As we begin 2014 we are excited to be starting a new year.  A new chance at life and a year of living in health.  After the cancer on the brain scare there were so many test done that if there had been a nano chance of the cancer coming back it would have been seen by now.  EVERYTHING has been X-Rayed, scanned, poked, probed - you name it. Last October Joe received an "all clear" from his oncologist following his surgery and treatment for lung cancer on his brain. The doctor told him that he wanted to repeat the tests (MRI, CTScan, blood work) the end of January and if all was clear again, he would be released to return to work. For the past week and a half Joe had those tests and today we went to the oncologist's office for the review. The scans of the brain were all clear as were the  scans of his lung. However, they discovered that the lung cancer had metastasized into his liver. We did NOT see that coming at all. Hadn't even considered it because all of th

"But I must admit, I miss you quite terribly.  The world is too quiet without you nearby"  Lemony Snicket.   When I was 11 years old , my mom and dad pulled my sister, Julie, and I out of school early.  We were not heading for a vacation but a journey of another sorts.  We were told that our dad had stage IV Throat Cancer and would not be alive by the end of the month.  The plan was to pause life, go to Tijuana, and wait for the cancer to kill my father. Fortunately, that doctor was wrong and we all had 8 more years with my dad.  The years came with things I wish I did not know.  I wish that at 11, I had not become familiar with names and side effect of chemotherapy.  When my friends were playing at recess I would sit and stare at the hospital.  How lucky we were that our house, elementary school and the hospital are all within 5 minutes of each other. When I was older and my dad became sick again, I would get a flu shot every year, mainly our of fear that I wou

CANCER!!!!   Where did that come from???   OK, we can do this, a little surgery – snip snip, a little radiation – zap zap and Joe will be well and flying off to work and our lives would go back to normal. I would like to take a break here and share that my normal doctor method search was a total failure this time.   We, rather I, picked a doctor with no personality, no bedside manner and no tact.   Needless to say, we replaced him as soon as we could.   From here on when I refer to him in this blog, I will call him Dr.R1. Dr. R1 wanted Joe to go that day and have blood work so off we went to the lab.   I think we were both not dealing well with this news and I was treating it, in my mind, like, well like a sore throat.   While we were waiting, the dr.’s office called and had scheduled Joe for a CAT Scan the next day and a neck biopsy the following week.   We looked at each other and with unspoken words told each other that this was obviously pretty serious.    Most of this

In 2007 when Joe first went into ICU he was fighting an infection that the doctors just could not find. They ran tests on his blood that I didn't even know were tests.  Talking to the doctor one day he explained to me that they had found dog saliva in Joe's blood.  Seriously?  Dog saliva?  My first question, do we have to get rid of the dog?  They explained that it was normal with people who had pets because they do lick our skin.  That was not what was making him so sick.  Sigh of relief. Four months later we are at the mall and Joe steps outside because he feels cold.  I get a call on my phone from him and when I answer it it's not him.  It's some guy who says my husband just passed out and is asking for me.  I tore across the mall the find him lying on the sidewalk.  A 911 call and a trip to the hospital reveals that Joe has Valley Fever.  He gets meds for it and life goes on.  Dr H explains that it's not that unusual for people living here in "the val

August 2013 and Joe is back in California traveling between home, Orange County and San Jose.  (Interesting point - Joe was in San Jose the FIRST time he was diagnosed with cancer.  My Father's reaction when I told him this, "that damn California pollution ".  We were soon to discover that it was actually Viet Nam and Agent Orange but that's another blog. )  Recovery from the lung removal had been pretty good.  He had some difficulty with breathing, he became short of breath easier than usual and he had a funky, watery cough but he felt good.  We all noticed a slight change that was daily becoming more noticeable.   Words didn't come quite as easy.  He seemed a bit forgetful.  He was a bit irritable.  He had been through a lot so but all this was understandable .  One evening after dinner walking to his car, he fell.  He told me he didn't trip or stumble - he just fell.  He didn't think much about it but to me, things were a little "off". Th