My Rambling Thoughts

Last night's episode of " This Is Us ", in my opinion, was one of the best things I have ever seen on television.  Anyone who thinks children (whatever age they are) do not think they are the favorite or that another sibling is the favorite is 100% wrong. When Joe was in the hospital before he passed away, our oldest son, who at the time lived in Alaska, flew down to be with his dad.  I will never forget the moment when we were all in the room with Joe, and Charles walked in. The look on Joe's face when he saw Charles and lifted his arms toward him.  Charles laid his head down on Joe's chest and they both cried and hugged and Joe said "my son".  It was in that instant that we all knew who was the favorite.  The love between those two was so huge and intense that there was no question.  The other kids, almost in unison, said ahhhhh, Charles is the favorite.  No hard feelings.  No anger.  No jealousy. Where I think the show failed last nigh...

I am sitting here this morning numb.  I am numb with fear off an enemy I know way too well.  An enemy I never wanted to see again.  An enemy that seems to come after Joe with an anger and vengeance. I find it almost impossible that I am writing words exactly the same as almost a year to the date. I am numb.

"Because I Said So!   When I became a parent I swore that I would never say those words.  I would reason with my child and explain why.  Parenthood in theory is an entirely different experience than reality.  When your children are very young usually a simple "because Mommy said no" is sufficient enough of an answer UNLESS you've been blessed with children who leave the womb thinking they know best.  Then sometimes reasoning is the answer.  I used to deal with my youngest and her defiant attitude by structuring my words so that SHE thought it was her idea.  That lasted until she was probably 8 and figured out my strategy.    As my children became young teens I found myself temped to say "Because I Said So" but I knew that would fall on deaf ears.  I did find on a few occasions saying " you are just going to have to trust me.  Sometimes I just know because I'm older and I've lived through what you're going through ". ...

TOAST:  A ritual in which a drink is taken as an expression of honor or goodwill . Twenty-One years ago today my world changed in a way that I never thought it could.  I was handed this beautiful living creature with a "there ya go" from the nurse.  All of a sudden I was responsible for the feeding, care and education of this tiny life that was totally unable to take care of itself.  How in the world would I ever be able to do this?  I can't even keep a house plant alive more than a week.  What did I get myself into?  We learned together how to do this living thing.  I did the very best that I knew how along with her father to make sure we didn't totally screw up this huge responsibility and you know what - we did a pretty good job.   I think I learned more than I taught and I definitely grew as a person from the lessons we learned together.  On this, her 21st birthday I want to lift my virtual glass to my first born in her h...

This chapter in the Story of Cancer for Joe Keresty is no doubt the hardest to write. Not because of the end - but because, if I were honest, I knew it was coming for several months but I refused to accept it. After Joe had the severe reactions to the Cisplatin part of his chemo cocktail as far back as April the changes were there. He was a little more tired. He was loosing a pound here and there. He wasn't eating. He coughed - a lot. He was much more out of breath. The cancer was winning but we chose to see this all as side affects from the chemotherapy. AND - they very could have been but as they say "hindsight is 20/20. Joe very rarely let anyone see him down or hear him say how tired he was. He never complained. He did wait until we were alone at night in the quietness and privacy of our bedroom. The he would tell me how tired he was. How his chest hurt so badly when he coughed. How he was ready for this to be over and done with. But he still never co...

I've heard it said that death gets easier the older you get but I don't think that is necessarily true.  This week as we lost our precious kitty, Halima, I was forced to feel that total feeling of helplessness and loss.  I realize that she was "just a cat" but she was much more than that to us.  She heard our whispered secrets and never told a soul.  She felt our tears on her fur when we cried over our hurts and losses and didn't judge us.  She snuggled up next to us in bed because she knew she was loved and safe.  She would pull ponytail bands out of our hair because she loved to play with them.  She was part of our family and we loved her.  She always had to pull our arms down to check our drinking glasses to make sure we weren't drinking ice water.  She loved ice water and would ask for it several times a day and would help herself to yours if you left your glass unattended. The hardest part of loosing her was having to watch her h...

As we begin 2014 we are excited to be starting a new year.  A new chance at life and a year of living in health.  After the cancer on the brain scare there were so many test done that if there had been a nano chance of the cancer coming back it would have been seen by now.  EVERYTHING has been X-Rayed, scanned, poked, probed - you name it. Last October Joe received an "all clear" from his oncologist following his surgery and treatment for lung cancer on his brain. The doctor told him that he wanted to repeat the tests (MRI, CTScan, blood work) the end of January and if all was clear again, he would be released to return to work. For the past week and a half Joe had those tests and today we went to the oncologist's office for the review. The scans of the brain were all clear as were the  scans of his lung. However, they discovered that the lung cancer had metastasized into his liver. We did NOT see that coming at all. Hadn't even considered it because all of t...